Single and Happy?

By Kaitlin White

When someone asks me about my dating life, it gets complicated and I feel a sudden urge to panic.

“should I make something up? I’m going to make something up, she’s looking for some entertainment….I could come up with something, nah girl, stand in your truth, NO SHE WON’T BELIEVE YOU, say this….(and then I say), oh yea girl, I went on a date last weekend, he was cool…”

Sometimes I switch up the endings and say something like, he was fun, not my taste, or girl, I’m feeling him.

But the truth is that I am more single than a dollar bill….and I am happy.

Why not just tell the truth? (I see you judging me)

Because the truth feels hard, and boring, and is this person really going to understand me?  

In this society if you are single and happy, it is because you do not have a choice.

Let mainstream society tell it, my happiness as a single woman is a façade to cover up my pain and loneliness. I should be miserable right now, desperate and wondering why no man wants me.

Sometimes I wonder if I am happy, until I visualize myself in a full blow relationship.

I’m not talking about the fantasy where the sex is bomb, and we take cute photos that everyone loves, I’m talking about when he inevitably has a bad day, I am left to pick up the pieces.

I am talking about, when life happens, and finances get low or one of us experiences job loss.

It is not lost on me, that being with the right partner will soften the blow of those things, but, in the end, it is still a sacrifice.

When I put things into perspective, when I look at the whole instead of the slice, I am a single mother, with a growing career, friendships, family, and mental health hurdles that I am working through, a relationship right now, is not ideal.

I am speaking from personal experience when I say that I do not have the time nor energy to be a man’s woman.

If doing the job well is something you value, then, you will understand me when I say, that I would not be a good fit for the job.

Sure, it is easy to want one, as the society we live in glorifies them and puts them on a pedestal, but like anything, we must consider context, i.e. the whole piece not just the one slice.

When I take into consideration everything that is on my plate right now, I am happy to be single.

The problem that I have is that I feel the need to justify and prove my happiness.

It is an internal battle. I know.

Being single AND happy is weird, and only adds to my awkward weird black girl status when I claim that as my truth.

I should be proud of that status, because as weird as it may be, it’s an honor to finally be at a place within myself where I am not desperate for a man, his attention, or the perks of being in a relationship.

To be able to feel happy and single is a major key to my growing self-esteem, but, since it is so taboo, take a walk with me, let me explain what it’s like.

Although a romantic relationship is nowhere near in sight, I use my time to nurture and develop relationship with myself, my son, my friends, and my family.

Those relationships are important to me, they are full of fun, love, and fulfill my heart in many ways that if I were desperate for romance, I would miss.

I feel loved and nurtured when I spend time at my sister’s apartment, and she makes me dinner. We have great conversations and laugh until our bellies ache.

My relationships are also full of complicated communication problems and emotions. Just recently I made up with a best friend and we had to have very hard and emotional conversations to get through it.

The other day I spent hours listening to another friend vent about her family trauma, I sat with her, I listened…we both cried.

I know my limits and adding a “boo” to the equation might not be it for me, and I’m okay with that.

If you are struggling with being single, maybe you need to adjust your lens and embrace your current relationships more. You cannot fuss or depress your way into having the man of your dreams, most experiences come when we least expect them to anyway.

I am not saying that you can replace those relationships with a romantic partner, I am saying don’t spoil it by being rotten, I’d imagine that if I’m not happy waiting for my husband now, when he gets here the joy would be short lived and I’d default back to old emotional patterns I had before him. I mean it is just a theory, but a good one. *drops mic*

Kaitlin White is a Chicago native currently living in Atlanta, GA with her son. She enjoys reading, writing, and inspiring women. In 2017, after receiving the devastating news of the death of her child’s father, Kaitlin started the Her Gems Podcast where she takes women on a journey of healing, faith, and finding self-love.

Want to share a blog post on love, life, relationships or discovering self-love? Email us at singledopeblackchick@gmail.com.