The Key to Making It Work: A Lot of Forgiveness

By Tramayne Osbourne

When my boyfriend and I began dating, I gushed to my friends about our conflict-free relationship. “We never fight,” I said proudly over a round of drinks. My friends were skeptical, but I insisted. “We’re best friends,” I continued naively. “We talk about everything. We don’t fight.” 

Naturally, our first fight occurred the following week. 

Since then, my boyfriend and I have had many fights in our almost four years together; most trivial, a few significant. But it’s not our friendship that preserves our relationship. It’s forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment that arise when there is a conflict. Forgiveness is not excusing inexcusable behavior. It is an intentional choice to overcome negative emotions that get in the way of moving forward.

I still remember our first fight. I don’t remember all the words we exchanged, but I do remember how I felt: angry, hurt, and sad. But I chose to put those feelings aside -- at least long enough for us to have an open, honest and vulnerable conversation -- before deciding to let go of them completely. Releasing the negative emotions that came up as a result of the fight not only helped us quickly resolve our issues, it also gave us a blueprint for resolving conflict in our relationship that we still follow today. 

Forgiveness can occur without the other person knowing it. Often, I decide to forgive my boyfriend for offenses that he is not even aware of, which helps keep conflict from reaching a boiling point. That sometimes looks like turning a blind eye to harmless, but annoying habits, letting comments muttered in frustration fall on deaf ears and lots of second chances. I am grateful that he extends that same grace to me. That’s what makes our relationship work. 

Conflict is bound to arise in any relationship. We're human. But no matter the cause, we each get to choose how it affects us. Choosing to forgive is ultimately an act of self-love. When we choose forgiveness, we’re choosing love. 

Forgiveness also looks like breaking the ice over a treat. We can always tell how sorry the other is by the sweetness of the treat. One of us decides to extend an olive branch and the other chooses to accept. Choosing to forgive is what helps us move on and what keeps our relationship moving forward. 

Tramayne Osbourne lives in Charlotte, NC. Follow her on Instagram at @TramayneandCo.