My Achilles Heel: Pride

By CaTyra Polland

One of my greatest fears is being vulnerable especially in romantic relationships. This fear stems from growing up in a household with domestic violence. I was always afraid because I had no control. I couldn’t protect my mom which was terrifying. This childhood experience has a tight grip on my subconscious. The thought of being vulnerable paralyzes me. I fall silent, unable to speak or act, much like when I was a child. To avoid being hurt I put up a wall. It just so happens when I do let my wall down, I get hurt.   

When I get hurt, I shut down and withdraw. I cut people off swiftly without warning or explanation, I just stop all communication.  I’m pretty sure the block button was created for me! It’s easier to pretend you don’t exist than to admit you hurt me. At least that’s what I tell myself.

As stubborn as I am, I realize this behavior is to my detriment. It’s immature and unfair to myself and the other person. Cutting people off gives me a false and temporary sense of security and control. The security and control I craved as a child.  It’s not easy but the first step is to admit I have a problem, right?
 
I recently severed ties with someone I still have deep feelings for. My pride won’t let me tell him that he hurt me. I’m not ready to go there. Although I put up a facade that I’m over it the pain is real. It’s a shame I’d rather suffer in silence than call him. Unfortunately, my pride comes before my feelings.
 
On the bright side by recognizing this flaw I have the capacity to change my narrative. My past doesn’t have to dictate my future. I don’t have to make the same mistakes.  I know better so it’s my responsibility to do better. The question is, will I do better?

CaTyra Polland is the CEO/Founder of Love for Words (an editing boutique), a published author, speaker/instructor and cat mom to Honeycomb. She is a Rochester Business Journal Forty Under 40 Honoree and the Professional Development Chair of the Rochester Young Professionals. CaTyra enjoys traveling, going to concerts, slam poetry, and going to the beach.